Week CXIV (447): Acronimble


1. "Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you." -- Anonymous

2. "An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

3. "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." -- Gore Vidal

4. "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be." -- Anonymous  

5. "They call television a medium because nothing's well done." -- Goodman Ace.

6. "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' till you can find a rock." -- Wynn Catlin

This Week's Contest was suggested by the Auxiliary Czar. It is based on the theory that it's easy to be witty. Your challenge is to take any of the witty statements above and use the first letters in each of the words to create a brand-new, unrelated funny statement. You may insert punctuation wherever you like, but you may not change the letter sequence and you must use all the first letters from the quote. (One example is illustrated by the cartoon above, using quote No. 4. Another example, using quote No. 2: An evil plan? I, like, looked all year! -- O.J.) First-prize winner gets a package of 10 barf bags, upon each of which is printed a lengthy excerpt from a romance novel.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week CX (443), in which we asked you to come up with new diseases for Washington.

Exceptional results. Many people offered versions of: Tourists syndrome, Trentmouth, Electile Dysfunction, Bullemia, Pentagonnorrhea and Influence-a.

[diam]Sixth Runner-Up: Bell's Palsy-Walsy: Painful condition caused by excessive back-scratching between regulatory agencies and the phone company. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

[diam]Fifth Runner-Up: Gingrichitis: A gum infection caused by biting off more than you can chew. (Dorothy Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

[diam]Fourth Runner-Up: Joke Itch: A restless, squirmy desire to make a wiseacre comment during a boring staff meeting. Can be fatal. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

[diam]Third Runner-Up: Tackycardia: Enlargement of ego characterized by the boastful display of one's employment badge. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

[diam]Second Runner-Up: Hickups: Annoying visits from rural constituents. Very hard to shake. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

[diam]First Runner-Up: Yeats Infection: Disease in which things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. The blood-dimmed tide is loosed. The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity. Common in Washington. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

[diam]And the winner of the program from the 1957 presidential inauguration:

Barry-Barry: An unmitigated nerve disease. (Deborah M. Searson, Avon, Conn.)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

Diaryea: Compulsive putting down on paper of too much dirt on oneself, for reporters to find. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Mallpox: An unsightly outbreak of memorials. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

Tempuramandibular Joint Syndrome: Uncontained spread of bad Japanese restaurants in D.C. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Sirhosis: Terminal sycophantism. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Amen-orrea: A complication of sirhosis. This turns middle managers into rubber stamps. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Loopus: Shriveling of ego caused by being left out of important meetings. (Billy Trimble, Pittsburgh)

Loopus: Road rage on the Beltway. (Sandra and Mark Segal, Rockville)

Barryum Enema: A diagnostic device that causes the runs. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Glockoma: Causes a blind eye to be turned to the handgun problem in America. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Red Skin: Allergic rash caused by dashed hopes; usually appears in late fall or early winter. (Jonathan Alen Marks, Alexandria, and Lisa Coleman, Arlington)

Bleeping sickness: Excessive censorship by the FCC. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Sore-eyeasis: Disfiguring condition afflicting national Mall, caused by T-shirt vendors, etc. (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Jane Springrose, Bradenton, Fla.)

Irritable Powell Syndrome: A disease of the Colin, causing meddlesomeness. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia; Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Congresstipation: The inability to eliminate waste in government. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Tauzindingelberries: Painful eruptions surrounding something no one understands. (Tom Nolan, Kensington)

Postnasal Tripp: Compulsive snooping, even after rhinoplasty. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

The Common Scold: Annoying affliction by capital area newspaper columnists who admonish Metro snackers, HOV violators, etc. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Irritable Bowl Syndrome: Ulcerous condition brought on by years of commuting in and around the Springfield interchange. (Doug Burns, Falls Church; Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Acute Reno failure: Causes an extreme burning sensation; a notable outbreak occurred in Central Texas in 1993. (Tony Allen-Mills, Alexandria; Jane Springrose, Bradenton, Fla.)

Inattention to Deficit Disorder: A wasting disease. (Daniel Kaufman, Rockville)

Hanssen's Disease: An embarrassing outbreak of moles. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Anevilaxis Shock: Amazement at finding your country on the president's hit list. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)

Wellstones: Irritating shards of idealism; they dissolve into the mainstream within a year or two. (David Hendrick, Charlottesville)

Gangreenspan: A constriction of the money supply leading to necrosis of the economy. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg)

Scaliasis: Curvature of the spine that forces the patient to lean far to the right. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg)

Starlet Fever: A compulsion to invite celebrities to testify at congressional hearings. (Chris Doyle, Burke; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Herpes Cineplex: A rash of nausea at the conversion of neat old movie theaters into CVS stores. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Monicanucleosis: The kissing-it disease. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Soft issue damage: Slippage in the polls over a minor policy matter. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Castroesophageal Reflux: An irritation that keeps coming up again and again. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Coronary fib-rillation: Little white lies about affairs of the heart. (Dorothy Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

Nymphoma: Unnatural attraction to interns. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Czarcoma: Afflicts contest editors, causing impaired mental ability. Is irreversible. (Chris Doyle, Burke)